They are scientists

 

We Are Scientists is a band from Brooklyn, NY, who in addition to knowing how to rock, also know how to have a sense of humor. Their website, www.wearescientists.com, includes a section where disgruntled fans can ask the band for advice on various issues. We suggest you take a gander.

To give all you folks another example of just how slap jaw outrageous these specimens can be, Band of the Day interviewed Keith Murray, Chris Cain, and Michael Tapper of We Are Scientists in another installment of…

 

10 questions with We Are Scientists

- by Mattias and Dave-Os -

 

 

1. Your band name abbreviated is “WAS.” What would your band name be if abbreviated it spelt “IS” or “WILL BE”?

K: “Will be” would be - and this was actually an early name of ours - “What if Lyle Lovett Bit Everyone?” We were very consumed with [the fact that] when zombies bite you, you get infected.  What if we all fucking became Lyle Lovett because of his infectious Lovett bites?

C: Yup, we’d considered briefly “Will Llamas bite everyone?” with the “WI” from Will and “LL” from llamas…bite everyone.

K: Similar course of investigative query.

C: That one we were able to figure out.  So we dropped that name because it was no longer a mystery.  We want our name to be a mystery. Ergo, “We Are Scientists.”

K: “IS”?

M: Information Systems.

K: Insect Supplements. What about a crazy sort of conflict in terms, like “Intelligent Stupid-heads”

C: “Intelligent Stummies”. Does that make sense?

K: I feel like it communicates the idea.

C: “Intellectual Stumbasses”

K: We had a lot.

 

2.  Keith and Chris both attended Pomona College. What was it like going to school together?

C: It was like an amazing Karl Malone/John Stockton sort of thing - the way they could rule the court when they were really on.  It was like that.  We owned the school because we had an amazing… what do you call it? “Pick & Roll?”

K: “Drop & Slide.”

C: Yah we “Drop & Slide” moved, I’ll tell you that.  I don’t know about the “Pick & Roll.”

K: The “Pick & Roll” needed work.

C: We never quite perfected that.

K: …academically.  On the courts, our “Pick & Roll” was top notch.

C: It worked great but didn’t look good on paper.

K: It was a cheater’s move, but it worked every time.

C: Yeah, so it was good because we basically ruled the school with an iron fist.  Stalin-esque you might even say.

 

3. You’ve had some really great opportunities including performances on David Letterman and Conan O’Brien. Do you have any particular favorite experiences during your career so far?

K: There was this one time that Michael almost kissed some girl at a house party.  We were all really, really psyched for him.  We were like “What an opportunity!? What an opportunity!?” Then she had a little too much to drink and kinda wandered off.  He got a little tired.

C: It looked like she had some sort of allergic reaction.  It looked like she came down with the mumps all of a sudden.

K: She did keep gagging. She was visibly gagging after awhile. I don’t know what that was about.

C: Just huge piles of…

K: Yeah I know.  That’s the most spectacular opportunity that any of us has ever had.

Mattias: Comment Michael?

M: Career highlight.

 

4. What bands would you say have the most influence on you’re music?

<A continuous collective “Ughhs” and “Umms”>

C: Can the answer to that just be an ellipsis? A little dot dot dot…

K: Yeah, a bunch of sighs and weird grumbled moans.

C: Wistful gazing into the middle distance.

K: There’s gotta be something…ohhh…I dunno.

C: Yeah, I can’t…I mean…wow.  I mean “wow” right.

M: Can’t you guys name any bands?

K: It’s funny. When I try to think of any collectives at all, I just keep thinking of a pack of wolves.

C: We were definitely influenced by the wolf pack as an idea.  We use a similar communication system to surround rabbits and foxes.

K: It’s what they call the “hive mind,” based on the fact that wolves live in big hives.

C: What?!

K: Yeah, cobbled out of gummed up bark.

C: This is off the record by the way.

K: Have you ever seen these enormous beautiful hives?  If you take a cross section, there’s just a big slice of comb and wolves wiggling around angrily because you’ve just exposed them. 

C: And then do they fly up and try to sting you?

K: Yeah, they’ll [land on] your hand and get you.

C: Get you with their stinger.

 

5. Do you hate it when people call you “We’re Scientists”?

C: Never seen it actually.

M: “We’re Scientists”?

C: Yeah, using a contraction, you mean.

Mattias: Ah yes, contraction. My apologies.

C: Hate it.

K: Yeah I really hate that.

C: It pisses me off.

K: I’ve never heard that till you just said it and I’ve never been this angry.

C: I’m stewin’ over here. I’m stewin’ in my own rage.

K: Cool down. Cool down guy.  We’ve got the rest of the interview to do and you gotta be a professional.

C: I’m worried about next year at this point.  Am I still gonna be able to do the Oscars?  Am I still going to be able to emcee the Oscars when I’m this worked up and crazy? Probably not.

Mattias: That was Dave’s question.

Dave-Os: I swear it wasn’t.

C: Dave, c’mon…

 

6. The album cover for “With Love and Squalor” has three adorable cats. Is there a special reason or story for using them?

C: Three adorable cats and a couple of kittens.

K: The members of We Are Scientists holding up kittens. Zing!

C: We knew that our music wasn’t going to appeal to everybody, but we did want to sell a CD to everyone.  We thought that we could probably get most of the people who wouldn’t like our music by putting cats on the front because they’re… You know people who don’t like our music are generally the type of dumbasses who will just buy pictures of baby animals and shit like that.  Put them up in their room wall.

K: Yeah. Our sort of anti-demographic, where we found we are really lacking, are the people who buy those “hang in there” posters with the cat dangling from the tree.

C: Kitty calendars and things like that.  It’s a marketing strategy.

 

7. Your site dishes out a lot of advice. What are your thoughts on a collaboration with Dr. Phil?

C: You know, Dr. Phil came to us in a great time of need actually.  This was about a week ago and he proposed such a collaboration. I believe Michael said it best when he said “What could YOU possibly offer US?”  He stammered and sort of pulled out wads of hundred dollar bills and did that dance that he’s so famous for - where it looks like his belly is moving independently of the rest of his body.  We hired him on the spot, so in fact we are now very much in legal cahoots with Dr. Phil.  He’s part of the team and he is answering a lot of the questions on the site [www.wearescientists.com].  Usually like the more ribald sort of questions.  He’s very puerile.

K: He gravitates towards the questions that are from young girls asking about sexual matters.

C: He has “dibs” on those as the way he put it.

 

8. There’s only you guys, a walrus, and a rabid monkey in a 20 X 20 foot room. The only items in the room are a screwdriver and a feather. What would happen?

M: We got a monkey and a walrus? And a screwdriver and feather and a what? The monkey has what?

C: A wicked case of rabies.

K: An advanced case of rabies – I’m going to contribute to the scenario.

C: He is foaming rabid.

M: And a feather? And a screwdriver?

C: Any particular type of feather? Chicken feather? Peacock Feather?

Mattias: Peacock.

C: Ah, a long feather.

Mattias: This is a MENSA question actually.

C: Did they say what happens?

Mattias: No.

Dave-Os: It was a multiple choice, though.

C: Oh, so you changed the ultimate interrogation with us.

K: It’s no longer an intelligence test; it’s sort of a psychological profiling tool now.

Mattias: Well the original MENSA question was exactly the same thing, but the monkey wasn’t rabid.

K: Ohh…a subtle twist.

Mattias: We like to put a Band of the Day spin on all of our questions.

M: A rabid monkey…

K: Now in the MENSA question, is it still the three of us? It’s the membership of We Are Scientists, and a monkey and a walrus?

Mattias: Yeah, that’s why we chose it actually.

C: It did scream out to be posed to us, I’d say.  What is likely to happen in just such a scenario? It’s the kind of thing you don’t often think about.

K: Well it’s because we’ve never actually been alone with the walrus and monkey.

C: We travel with a walrus and a monkey.  As far as we know, the monkey’s shots are up to date but otherwise that’s not an uncommon situation.  There’s usually someone else in the room that sort of diffuses the tension.

M: Swordfights maybe?

Mattias: I could see that.

K: Whenever Michael’s alone in a room with a couple of dudes, he’s like “Hey Dudes! You wanna sword fight?” And we have to say “Michael, no!”

C: And then he’s like “Whatever dude. The monkey and the walrus will have no idea what’s going on. Don’t be such a prude.”

 

9. Your video for “The Great Escape” has the three of you literally do everything together.  It’s reminds me of the comedy trio Stella.  Who would win between you two trios in a dance off? No, a staring contest?

M: Staring contest…

K: No, dance off. No, Staring contest.

M: Haha.  This is starting to sound like a Stella skit… and then we drive off a cliff…

Mattias: Yeah we had a bunch of ideas: Food fight, pie eating contest…

K: Ooh, a pie-eating contest is nice too.

C: Fighting contest?

K: Pie eating.

C: Oh, PIE eating.

M: We wouldn’t win that.

K: [David] Wain looks like a real pie eater to me.

C: He could eat a lot of pies.

M: You’ve got three fat asses over in Stella.

K: Actually, I was walking by 2^nd Ave one day and [David Wain] was at Katz’s (a restaurant in New York).  He just had a BIG stack of pies.  He was just eating them one by one, cramming them in.  He didn’t seem to be in any rush or anything.  He was actually leafing through a copy of the Sunday Times magazine and was sort of absently sucking in whole pies - and these were good 10 inchers.

C: Whipped cream pies.

K: Oh yeah, loads of whipped cream all over them.  I don’t think they came that way, but he had brought like a…

C: It was a specially designed vest.

K: Yeah a specially designed vest with pockets.  I wanted to ask him where to get one.  He had those sort of gun shaped whipped cream dispensers.  He knew what he was doing.

Mattias: So staring contest. Who’d win?

M: Probably they would.

C: I dunno. They’ve got a lot of resolve.  They’ve got a lot of appointments they’ve got to be at.

K: That’s the thing.  They’re busier than we are.  After awhile, I feel they’d check their watches because it would have been 12 hours and Wain’s got a pretty high cholesterol level.  He has to go to the doctor a lot.  He has a daily.

C: He’s gotta get his daily check.

M: Probably it would depend on what was at stake.

K: Yeah whether there was pie at stake…

C: That’s true.  Because they’re more greedier.  They’ll do anything for money.  ANYTHING.

K: Are you sure?

C: I’ve put that theory to test.  If there was a five’r on the table, and the winner took that, then they would win the staring contest.  We’d all just be doing the math in our heads and saying “We could make that money raking a lawn in the time it’d take us to beat these chumps in a staring contest.”

Mattias: So staring contest to Stella?

K: Yeah, staring contest to Stella.

Mattias: I would have given it to you guys.

M: Well if it was towards money.

C: Well say, for example, it was the season of Stella on DVD - They would probably just walk and say “Fuck it, we’ve already got that,” whereas we’ve been trying to get a hold of it, and can’t seem to.  So we would win that because we would be willing to put in at least a couple minutes to that end.

 

10. Who would you like to see next on Band of the Day?

K: I’m assuming we’re exempt since we know it’s gonna happen.

C: Wouldn’t that be amazing though if we were Band of the Day twice in a row?  That would be a first.

Mattias: Some people have asked that actually.

C: What’d you do?

Mattias: We said maybe.

M: Did you ever do it though?

Dave-Os: Nope.

K: Nice dodge. Nice dodge.

C: Hmmm… who should be the next Band of the Day?  Have you guys done Oxford Collapse yet?

Mattias: Not yet.

C: Oxford Collapse.

M: Let’s Do Oxford Collapse: Band of the Day.

C: Just signed to sub-pop records, a little trio out of Brooklyn, New York. Amazing.

M: They’re like the next, next thing.

K: Well the next, next thing after.

C: They’re next up after the next thing gives way to the thing after that.

M: They’re like bleeding edge… of… stuff.

 

 

 

*Normally we don’t do this, but seeing as these guys obviously know how to answer questions, here’s something that has never been done before in BotD history: A bonus question:

 

What do you think is the best way to seduce a robot?

M: Chocolates.

C: Chocolates and…

K: Grab his nuts!

C: Nice.

K: Oh puns…

C: Although that can often be too forward.

K: Yeah they’ll sometimes bristle at that, so box of chocolates.

 

And there you have it folks: The best way to seduce a robot. Thanks to We Are Scientists for being more than a little interesting and for solving problems that may not have been there to start off with. More interviews coming up, so don’t touch that dial.

 

Ciao,

The BotD Team